I’m not ready I want it

“I’m not ready for a relationship yet” is so much easier to say than “I want it with every fiber of my being”.

“I don’t want this date to go well” is so much easier to say than “I long for romance and connection, I long for eternity and unconditional love and I don’t want to suffer through fake relationships anymore”.

I am sprawled across the bed, sipping wine from the bottle, eating appetisers just to not get drunk. I am depressed. But I feel so alive around my people that I forget about it. I hope I fake it well, I hope they are not worried about me, I hope they don’t feel pressured to take care of me. I can take care of myself. I wish I didn’t have to. I want to talk to them but I can’t. I can’t put this weight on people again.

I am desperate for affection. Desperate. I am pathetic. I want hugs and kisses and cuddles and hand in hand walks and romantic things and pda. I don’t want committed relationship love anymore. I only want committed care and friendship and peace. I want passionate and kinky and vanilla sex. I don’t want slow tantric sex anymore. I want everything. I want nothing. I want both. Maybe I’m drunk now.