Jealousy

I love talking about jealousy, I sort of don’t really know what it’s like to feel it, but I have experienced it on me in every toxic way.

I have rarely felt jealous, and when I did it was mostly just envy or a covert resentment. I understand my jealousy is just anger. More often than not what I feel is not jealousy per se, but rather anger at not having what I’d like when someone else has it. An annoyed kind of angry. And if you’re thinking “but that is what jealousy is” then congrats on figuring out the basics of your feelings, you are not jealous, you are angry and now you can do something about it.

I have been the subject of jealousy in many ways.
I have had a girl be so envious of my relationship with my best friend she started a rumor about me around school.
I have had someone be violent because they were jealous of me (for the stupid reasons, like how I dressed) and hitting me was the only way they knew how to cope with it.
I have had someone be jealous of online friends and mope about it, then of in real life friends and go completely crazy.
I have had someone be jealous of my happiness and try to make me miserable in every possible way. Mostly by fucking up with my mental health.
And now I have had someone be jealous of things they were doing too, jealous of things they caused themself, so much that they couldn’t confront me about it, they just hurt and wallowed in their own misery and got so angry at me they chose to go away instead of talking about it.

None of that was nice, okay, but I think the last one was the worst on me. Expressing jealousy in any way is still better than shutting it down. Watching someone I loved quietly grow resentment and anger towards me and insisting about staying quiet was hard. I really would have much rather have a fight.

I want to experience some healthy jealousy. I want someone being jealous of my side account and ask me to shut it down, just because they are not okay with other people watching me that way. I want them to mark their territory when they see someone else eyeing me. I want the possessiveness, the romantic little jealousy. And I want them to tell me how they felt. I want to negotiate those little things, but with trust and mutual comprehension.

I see now, I’ve never had a healthy long relationship. I haven’t had many at all, but.. How did I manage to royally screw up things with every one them?

I think I want romance, right now. I want someone to take care of me and appreciate how I take care of them. I want to be taken out for dinner, I want movie dates and surprises, I want someone who shows up with chocolates when I’m on my period, I want someone to hug me when I have a depression episode, I want someone I can talk to about my suicidal thoughts and my panic attacks without being judged or being seen as a weight. I want someone I can surprise with baked goods, I want someone that will tell me anything they have on their mind, I want to be a supporting partner for them. I want someone to lean on completely and them to lean on me in the same way. And I do know that one of the basis of polyamory is that no one person can be everything for you, and I firmly still believe that, but I am tired. I want that. I need that. I have always said that polyamory isn’t for everyone, and isn’t for every phase of your life. Sometimes it’s what you need for a while, sometimes it’s what you don’t need for a while. And I have no idea how it will work out for me. If I can do it, how long will this phase last, nor if I will actually commit to it. But it is what I want and need now. I might end up getting married or I might end up screwing around again, the fuck I know. Thank gods, the future is a mystery. You can only think about the present. This is my present. I’m done sharing. I’m done being shared.