Idiot

I am an idiot. I knew this from the start.

I think I’m feeling something like jealousy, for the first time maybe. Maybe it’s more like envy or something I don’t know. But I feel this little pain in my chest every time she gets mentioned and I just enter this spiral of sadness. She might get something that I want. Something that I don’t think I can have. But I do have a little and it would go away in a blink if she wants. I like this little thing I got, even if I want more, even if I’m aching and longing for more. But I have exactly zero hope that this can turn in my favour. I am more than ready and willing to give my everything and yet I really really don’t think he would want it from me.

I feel like I’m going to cry every time he hugs me these days. I know this is the end and I just can’t bare it. I don’t want this to end. Please please please don’t let this be the end.

And yet, I feel happy for him getting what he wants. He deserves it. And if he wants her and it works out well then who am I to interfere? I do not deserve him. I am too broken. He deserves someone free and fresh, someone like her. And she’s so nice too, she’s cute and sweet, she deserves someone who cares about her as much as he does about whom he loves, and I don’t like her. I sort of don’t like how she sings, but I cannot judge, for at least she has the bravery to put herself out there and I don’t anymore. As I said, she’s free and I’m broken.

I knew it from the start, I knew it would end like this, I knew I would have ended up suffering. I did it anyway cause I think I have to live as much as possible and experience every good thing life throws at me and gods he’s a good thing. He’s a much better thing than I thought, too, so it’s natural that it’s ending like this. My heart breaking a little and everything. I’m an idiot. But the only way I could have prevented this from happening was stopping it in its tracks before. I didn’t want to. And I couldn’t control it. Even if I knew.

At least I learned I am capable of some new feelings.

I wonder if he’s sad too. At least a little. I wonder if he thinks about the things we haven’t done yet and if he kind of wants to do them with me. I wonder if I’m not enough for him or if I’m too much. I keep thinking I’m not enough though. Every time he compliments me I think that that’s not enough. Whatever he sees in me is not enough for him to want more. Or maybe it’s that I’m too much? I’ve been told that a lot… It makes me think about why I’m poly. I am very much capable of having monogamous relationships. I’ve had two long ones and one that has been monogamous for much of its course. But I’ve been too much for them. Too much affectionate, too much in love, too much independent, too many feelings. I’ve felt like polyamory has helped me balance these things, my feelings more than anything else. Too much love has happened a lot to me, so if I divide it up into more people it’s not too much for one person, right? I think I’m a little tired of it. I think I need someone that is just mine to care for, at least for a while, for myself. Someone who wants to be only mine and wants to invite me into their life and wants to be invited in mine. I want this for myself right now. I wonder if I told him if it would change anything for him. But I think it wouldn’t, I think he just doesn’t think about me in that sense. He did tell me yesterday that I’m not enough. Well, he said something about sex not being enough but he said it like that’s all I am to him and yeah. That settles it. I’m not enough. I wish I could truly deeply open up to him.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell him that I’ll miss him. I’ll tell him that I’m sad this is ending. That’s not too much, is it? I’m not telling him I have feelings for him or anything, right? Just that I’m a little sad a nice good thing is gone. I should probably do it. I hope I can.

Gods, I don’t want this to end. I don’t want this vacation to end either. I want to stay at sea and tell him how gorgeous his eyes are in the sun and tell him everything else I did not say. I want to sing with him on the beach at night and show him how I draw the things I see, I want to read while he reads with our bodies attached, I want to have sex and tell him I like him instead of just shutting up when he says I’m beautiful, I want to feel free. I want to be free.

I think I’ll text my therapist today.