Monogamy? In this economy?

I’m quite struggling with my feelings lately. I’m not sure what love looks like for me, right now.

I broke up with everyone I was dating cause none of those people had much meaning for me. And now I’m left alone with my feelings and I’m really struggling with understanding them.

1. Monogamy

Fucking what cunt?

I never wanted monogamy. I wanted the freedom of polyamory, the freedom of feeling free and feeling everything and doing whatever I wanted. So what changed? I keep thinking maybe it’s because my last relationship didn’t work out. And it didn’t work out because of the polyamory, but not on my side. I’m not sure about this answer. It’s too easy and there’s gotta be something else. There’s another easy answer, which is because he wants it, and if only it were true then this would be all easy. I would want it just for him and given that he’s not an option, I’d go back to polyamory no reflection needed. It would also be weird though, cause I could have had monogamy with people who actually wanted to date me and yeah… I’m not sure what I want from monogamy. Maybe just proof that I’m lovable or that I’m capable of loving. In a totalising sort of way.

2. Love

I never figured out what love is. I think it’s something you build together with time. I felt love, I think, with people I’ve been for a while. And even then, sometimes I think I was so quick to stop that I question if I ever did. Was I really in love if the moment he told me I’ve been vetoed out I just thought “fuck him” and got over it? Was I ever in love if when he broke up with me I cried a few hours and then went on a date with someone else? Was I in love if when someone else broke up my relationship I never texted her back? Am I just too fucked up for love? Is my aunt right? Am I cold af? (I know I’m not cold, I’m pretty caring, but am I loving?) I love all my friends. I’m not sure if what I feel for them is different than a crush. I have like one (1) friend I never had the thought that I might like her in that way, and the thing is that I don’t like her very much in general. So here I am trying to detangle my feelings.

3. Him

I like him. True. I am attracted to him. True. I would date him. True. I love him. Not true. I like the relationship we had (have? had?). True. I want more. Not necessarily. I would like more. True. (How is this different?). I think it would be amazing if we dated. Not true. I would like to give it a chance. True. I miss him. True. I think about sex when I think of him. True. I think it’s easy to make me cum. True. Everyone has been able to. Not fucking true. He’s the only one I’ve had a consistent game dynamic with. True. I think it would be difficult to find someone else to have this kind of relationship with. True. I trust him. True. I love him. Not true. I love how he touches me. True. I like him. True. I like like him. Maybe? I was really scared of losing him. True. It was difficult for me to accept that he could be happier with someone else. True. I think he could be happier with me. Not true. I think I would be happier with him. True, though. I think I could be happier with someone else. True, too.

Gods, I’m confused. I should just cut ties with everyone and go kill myself in the Japanese woods.

4. Depression

Everything that’s going on in my head feels wrong right now. I think I’m having a major depressive episode. It’s been coming and going in waves. I’ve been thinking about things. I’ve been thinking about that night and the feeling of that blade on my flesh. I think about my dad and my brothers often. I think about my roommate and how incapable of helping each other we are. I’m so good at deflecting “how are you” questions and talking about anything else. What kind of answer is “I don’t know” anyway?

I have to get out of this house. I can’t think.