truth or consequences
okay, so I told him.
I was so convinced to just shut up about it, I did manage to tell him I’d miss him, like I’d hoped, and that should have been it. But then, yesterday, as I walked through the airport security I suddenly felt regret. Maybe it was the sudden realisation that I wouldn’t see him for at least a month, or that that was it, our last kiss, our last hug, our last time seeing each other in that way, or maybe it was a sliver of hope?
Last night he asked. I should have said no and fucked off. Instead I said yes. What was the point though? It didn’t change anything, except that now he knows and he’ll walk on eggshells around me even if he doesn’t mean to, and that I’m hurt. I liked my limbo better. It’s easier to move on from limbo-land, you can pretend nothing ever happened. Fuck my friends who told me I should have talked to him, and fuck his friend who told me the same thing. Now my feelings are real for everyone else too and my hurt is burning like hell.
Oh, how I like the feeling though. I love liking someone this much and I love the hurt.
Still, I’m not sure what I will do now. Now that I know what I want my next relationship to look like.
Monogamy? Really? Me? Is it snowing outside??
Part of my brain is telling me to just fuck around and find out, telling me maybe I could sleep again with that one boy now… But the other part just keeps screaming. I want to invest all my love in one person. And I want the same back. I’m just so tired. And if I’m being honest with myself, what I will do is just bask in these feelings, close all loose ends I have right now, and do absolutely nothing for the next month. No point in dating people I don’t have feelings for. I’ll trust the universe. Trust that I will get what I need when the time is right. And, since I’m being honest here, I’ll sort of hope that maybe he’ll think about it some more, read my feelings where I spilled them out and think about giving it a try. But I’ll also hope that he will get together with that one girl so I can just be happy for them and get some peace.
Gods, how I wish for myself that it won’t work out with her or that me wanting monogamy could be a game changer for him.
Gods, how I wish for him that it will work out with her and he will finally be in a healthy loving relationship.
I hope she loves him and cares for him better than I would.
Nicest rejection I’ve ever got, though.