Singing voice

I have a very short audio note of L. singing. I listened to it and I breathed.
I heard E. sing just last week and it just made me nervous.

It’s batshit that I used to relax whenever I heard E.’s voice, his singing voice. Lately, it’s been “a fucking cheese grater” to cite Daniel Sloss. Maybe it’s just the words coming out of that mouth that I’ve been hating and dreading. Maybe I stopped loving him when he left me on my own. Or maybe it’s just the way things end. But I can’t stand E’s voice anymore and I don’t like when he sings.

I have listened to L.’s audio a few times now. It’s not the same thing okay. It doesn’t get me in that headspace of calm and peace that I long for. But it is beautiful. So beautiful. And he is. His voice is a precious thing and I thank all the gods that I can hear it whenever and wherever I want. But when he sings around me, that’s a little special. Sounds not coming from my phone but from him. I chuckle when he starts humming and singing, first of because it is a little bit funny how much he hates the silence, and secondly because it’s just so nice and cute and so him. It might be weird but sometimes I feel guilty I don’t have stronger feelings for him and I’m not sure if I could. I try to treasure what we have though. And for some brief moments in time, I have his voice for me. Oh it is all kinds of amazing.