Ah, shit

Here we go again.

I spent last night crying and fell asleep between my tears. I woke up aching.

Both my hands are burning from the inside. The right hand is mostly fingers. The left goes up to my arm and at times to the shoulder.

My phone feels heavy, typing on the computer hurts my bones. I have more than 40 texts sitting there and waiting for me to respond. I don’t have the energy nor the strength.

It hurt to open a candy earlier. I’m not sure what is going on with my body. Bones aches and muscles spasms.

I wonder if the depression has something to do with this. Is it possible that my mind is shutting down by body too? Or might it be the other way around? But hey why do I pretend answers to questions I never posed?

I just got a flare in my leg too. Fuck.

I hope he texts. I hope he doesn’t leave just because I’m a depressed aching traumatized little fucker. But I’m still expecting him to.

I want romance and commitment and consistency and showing up. I want thoughtful surprises and help and support. I want comfort and domestic intimacy and I have no idea how to build any of this without fucking up.

Without getting angry at needs I don’t know how to express.

I feel like I’m ripping the insides of my soul every time I tell him something about me. Things that already happened. How am I going to manage needs and wants?

And, fuck me, it’s not like he expresses those either. I don’t know what to do for him.

I feel like we either change the pace of it, or this is not going anywhere. We need to talk about things and get to know each other or we’ll get stuck in the “just sex” part of it, and I don’t like it. I’m starting to feel that feeling. That coldness. I fear that if we don’t build that connection soon, I might fracture and crumble.

And I don’t want to. Not again.

ah, shit